Submission

I never feel worthy. I never feel as if I am truly what is wanted. Generally I assume I am some sort of substitute for someone or something else. Even during those all too brief time periods where I find I am actually comfortable and secure, I feel the doubt creeping in. Things will be going along merrily and wham! I get hit with that stupid feeling out of no where. Sure, there are things that actually exist that make me feel that way sometimes. He has a family of which I am not a part of. He has a life I am not apart of. Decisions are made all the time that will affect me and I am only told about them. I get no input. It's a harsh reminder of my place in things.

Master told me in the beginning that women generally leave him more confident than they entered the relationship. I laughed at that. I know me too well to think that can easily be done. Hell, I have had shrinks that couldn't manage it in years of therapy. Of course, I didn't exactly give them a whip and some rope and ask them to beat me either. Although I am pretty sure at least one would have loved to work out his frustration with me in that way.

Poor Master. Poor husband for that matter. Both work to try to make me feel secure and it will feel like someone suddenly pulled the rug out from under me. It will happen as quickly as a light being switched off. I can be absolutely glowing with security and a feeling of value and worth. Some tiny something sets me off, and I go right back to feeling as if nothing I do is acceptable.

Most of the submissives I know go through a similar feeling. There is a constant underlying feeling of not being good enough. It's a feeling that you suck. Actually it is a feeling of many of the dominants I know too. We just tend to need different outlets for it. For me that outlet is letting someone else fight me for it. Sometimes that fight is mental, sometimes physical.

One of the biggest issues I am having right now is that I realized with Master being gone, our relationship has become incredibly vanilla. We get about 15 minutes a day in which time I am fully aware He is having email conversations with at least one other person if not 3-5 of us. Even though He is saying everything correctly in His emails, I'm not stupid. I know I don't have His full attention. After weeks of this, I find myself less able to fight the unworthy, restless feeling. I start to feel unloved. I start to worry about "out of sight, out of mind." Add to that the fact that I am only getting tidbits of info from Him like health stuff, etc, and it really leaves me feeling left out His world.

A submissive person generally is based in the need to feel useful, to serve someone. For the past month, all I have really felt is that I took up valuable time that He should have been talking to someone else or sleeping, or doing. I have felt more of a burden than a blessing. As a submissive that is hell to me. What good am I doing my Master if I make things worse. And therein lies the start of the cycle of insanity. If I am not doing Him good, then I am not doing my job.

I am not so submissive that I can negate my feelings. Oh, the thought does creep into my head about it. Once in a while it crosses my mind that I am just me, what right do I have to feel this way. That's one of those significant differences in being a pet and a slave. That thought is dismissed even faster than it appeared. I also know He expects me to have thoughts and feelings. He knew going into this that I did. He certainly does everything in His power to make me feel loved and thought of. At this point my insecurity isn't something He is or is not doing. It is simply a byproduct of the situation. And really, at this point, the best thing I can do for Him is to get a grip on myself.