He's home!

For now. He leaves a week from now. *sigh* It's incredibly hard to pack all you want into 2 weeks. I can't imagine how hard it is for Him right now.

I don't know where to start on the update. I am working on it though.

Turned on or afraid?

Should I be afraid or turned on? This is an edited version of today's IM. This on top of him mentioning mummification in the past few weeks......
Master: Do me a favor.

I need some cling wrap.

me: lol how much?

Master: A roll will do just fine.

He comes home on the 30th!!!!!

Submission

I never feel worthy. I never feel as if I am truly what is wanted. Generally I assume I am some sort of substitute for someone or something else. Even during those all too brief time periods where I find I am actually comfortable and secure, I feel the doubt creeping in. Things will be going along merrily and wham! I get hit with that stupid feeling out of no where. Sure, there are things that actually exist that make me feel that way sometimes. He has a family of which I am not a part of. He has a life I am not apart of. Decisions are made all the time that will affect me and I am only told about them. I get no input. It's a harsh reminder of my place in things.

Master told me in the beginning that women generally leave him more confident than they entered the relationship. I laughed at that. I know me too well to think that can easily be done. Hell, I have had shrinks that couldn't manage it in years of therapy. Of course, I didn't exactly give them a whip and some rope and ask them to beat me either. Although I am pretty sure at least one would have loved to work out his frustration with me in that way.

Poor Master. Poor husband for that matter. Both work to try to make me feel secure and it will feel like someone suddenly pulled the rug out from under me. It will happen as quickly as a light being switched off. I can be absolutely glowing with security and a feeling of value and worth. Some tiny something sets me off, and I go right back to feeling as if nothing I do is acceptable.

Most of the submissives I know go through a similar feeling. There is a constant underlying feeling of not being good enough. It's a feeling that you suck. Actually it is a feeling of many of the dominants I know too. We just tend to need different outlets for it. For me that outlet is letting someone else fight me for it. Sometimes that fight is mental, sometimes physical.

One of the biggest issues I am having right now is that I realized with Master being gone, our relationship has become incredibly vanilla. We get about 15 minutes a day in which time I am fully aware He is having email conversations with at least one other person if not 3-5 of us. Even though He is saying everything correctly in His emails, I'm not stupid. I know I don't have His full attention. After weeks of this, I find myself less able to fight the unworthy, restless feeling. I start to feel unloved. I start to worry about "out of sight, out of mind." Add to that the fact that I am only getting tidbits of info from Him like health stuff, etc, and it really leaves me feeling left out His world.

A submissive person generally is based in the need to feel useful, to serve someone. For the past month, all I have really felt is that I took up valuable time that He should have been talking to someone else or sleeping, or doing. I have felt more of a burden than a blessing. As a submissive that is hell to me. What good am I doing my Master if I make things worse. And therein lies the start of the cycle of insanity. If I am not doing Him good, then I am not doing my job.

I am not so submissive that I can negate my feelings. Oh, the thought does creep into my head about it. Once in a while it crosses my mind that I am just me, what right do I have to feel this way. That's one of those significant differences in being a pet and a slave. That thought is dismissed even faster than it appeared. I also know He expects me to have thoughts and feelings. He knew going into this that I did. He certainly does everything in His power to make me feel loved and thought of. At this point my insecurity isn't something He is or is not doing. It is simply a byproduct of the situation. And really, at this point, the best thing I can do for Him is to get a grip on myself.

Pet

We fell asleep a mass of tangled limbs after talking for hours. I got up to go to the bathroom. He stirred, reaching for me. When he couldn't find me, he grumbled and rolled over, going back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and then went for something to drink. It was late and dark, with the whir of the fans being the only noises in the house. The ice maker sounded like glass breaking in the silence of the night.

I went back to bed. Trying to be quiet, I stood there looking at him. It had been weeks since I had gotten to see him. I had spent days since his arrival, patiently waiting for his family to spend some time with him. I realized I couldn't get enough of touching him. I eased into bed, snuggling up against his back. I tried to be still, not wanting to disturb his sleep, but I was having trouble controlling my urge to touch him. I found it ironic that even as I fought myself, he reached behind him to touch me. His hand unerringly found my hip, and after touching it, he eased his hand between my legs. I put my leg over his hip to give him room, then drifted off. He wasn't actively doing anything, just touching me.

I woke up a short while later to him having turned over in his sleep. My leg was still over his hip, but he was facing me now. He still had his hand between my legs. It was a firm pressure now, not just a gentle comforting presence. I woke up to the internal pressure building. I attempted to move my hand to touch him but found I couldn't move them. He was holding both wrists in his other hand. He laughed telling me, "I have been fantasizing about this for weeks. I'll touch you however I want, and you will enjoy it." I struggled for a few seconds, then realized I was fighting something I knew I would enjoy. Giving in, I arched my hips to his hand, trying to increase the pressure. He pulled back as fast as I moved forward. Once I finally found my release, we fell asleep again.

I woke up again a bit later, and found myself reaching for him. Gently grabbing his cock, I wormed down in the bed, out of his grasp until I could take him in my mouth. He allowed me to continue for a good while. Just when I thought I might finally be able to bring him off with my mouth, he grabbed me by the hair, pulling me up. He kissed me on the mouth and flipped me over. Pushing me into the bed, he pulled my legs apart and entered me. He leaned over me, trapping my wrists again, alternately whispering in my ear and kissing me. He brought me close several times, stopping me before I could cum. When he had me absolutely begging and crying to be allowed to orgasm, he leaned down and whispered, "Who am I?" As I screamed, "My Master!" He gave a final thrust and gave us both an orgasm.

As I cried he held me and snuggled, soothing me while we eventually fell asleep. Just as I fell asleep, he whispered, "I love you my pet."

**This was actually a dream I had, not a reality.**

I got nothing

I don't know, maybe it's a lack of motivation. It could be my muse is a few hundred miles away. I hesitate to write a fantasy because it could easy make him feel pressure to live up to fantasy, and really, sometimes that just isn't practical. I am working on a few things though.

The Dance

It rarely starts out rough. Normally it's a gentle touch or a caress. Sometimes, it's simply playing with hands or snuggling on the couch. Sometimes in the middle of kissing, it becomes rough with him grabbing my hair, or catching my hand and holding it. Occasionally there is a small amount of pressure and strength applied, others just a tiny bit. Sometimes it is sitting on a couch with us surrounded by people when he grabs my hand and bites gently. It's been known to happen that way and it be a sharp tug of my hair. Is it my submission he wants, is it to mark his property in some animalistic way, is it simply knowing he just managed to turn me on with some small gesture?

There are some days when just being around him puts me in a submissive state of mind. There are others when he has to work for it. Most of the time those "other" times are when I feel it too easily and am fighting it. There are any number of reasons to fight it. Sometimes it's because I have had to be really strict with the kids that day. It sometimes is because I had a fight with hubby. It even happens sometimes when I feel myself caring too much. During all of those, I need him to dominate me. I need him to remind me who is master and who is pet. I crave that. I so desperately need to feel important enough that he will fight for my submission, especially against my own will. At that moment, when I am thinking about it, I am never sure exactly who is in control. Is he bending to my will or am I to his?

We walk a very fine line. He refuses to push me to do things I don't want to do. The very nature of our relationship is to push our boundaries. There are definitely going to be occasions when the mental dance becomes a physical one. I have yet to figure out why I am able to submit to him but not to anyone else as deeply. He is well aware that as long as he continues to control me mentally, all is well. If he ever loses that mental dance, and I gain the upper hand, things will come to a sudden halt. Forever more, our relationship will change.

There are plenty of times when I ask him what he is thinking to be told, "No." When I immediately try to throw a fit, he gives me the look, the one that says, "do you really want to push me?" and I usually back off. It's the first time in a very long time that someone has given me the choice to win the battle but know I have lost it. He has remarked before that sometimes dealing with me is like dealing with my daughter. I can't help but laugh. He knows how much I like it when he refuses to give in, when he tells me no. I much prefer that over being given a choice with that damned smile. It's the smile that tells me I am truly fucked if I make the wrong decision.

I look to the future and am excited to think about all the potential directions we could go. It's scary as hell though to realize that one false move and I will be the cause of the entire fantasy coming crumbling to the ground.

Goodbye

That final night together before He left town was bittersweat. We both knew we had to cram as much as we could into the time we had left together. There wasn't all that much that I would label as bdsm, but just the general nature of us together seems to have a touch of that in it. There is always hair pulling, biting, a spanking, and often a bit of breath play involved.

There are so many parts of that night that are simply memories of a sensation, whispered words, a sound, encouragements. I find it all rather difficult to write about actually. It was all incredibly emotion filled, and of course at the end, my final orgasm reduced me to tears. I don't know if He was aware or not, but I know He was incredibly gentle then.

It had been an emotion packed week really. There were so many misunderstandings, arguements, hurt feelings, happy moments, sweet and endearing moments. Everyone was emotionally on edge, but none any more than He was. I can't imagine what He went through, trying to juggle time with everyone and meet everyone's needs and desires. Poor guy, I know He felt like He failed everyone. I wonder if He got His needs and desires met at all?

For the next 45 days, I am left with nothing but memories, fantasies, and dreams. I will get the occasional phone call and hopefully some email, but none of those fantastic touches. I won't be feeling those magical hands touching me for over a month. I hope to have a few surprises in store for Him when He gets back.